


Is It Cannabalism If Your Child Is A Plant?

by Percygranger



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: 2014 backlog, Crack, Gen, Night Vale Community Radio, Plants
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:56:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24373144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Percygranger/pseuds/Percygranger
Summary: Cecil takes a listener poll after a tragic death.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	Is It Cannabalism If Your Child Is A Plant?

“Everyone and everything is related, dear listeners.” Cecil intoned from his seat inside the studio. “From the smallest organism to the largest, we share a common origin, and will someday rot and decay and become part of another, or many others.” 

He sighed. “And that’s where it gets complicated, because we all gotta eat! Well, we persist in believing that, at least. I’ve been trying something new lately, and adopted a few plants. I have a potted tomato plant, a few varieties of flowers, and...well, in the hub-bub of getting everyone settled and happy - new plants are just so fussy! - I neglected my poor mint child, which I had named Marvin. Get it? Anyways, now I have to decide how to properly send him off. Hey! Maybe we could have a listener poll. What do you think, Al? Al is okay with this, which is good, because he’s the one who has to tally the results! I hope you’re good at math, Al…” 

Cecil shifted in his chair. “Before you start calling in, listeners, let me tell you my current ideas. We could always go traditional, of course! Full mourning for a month and a respectful pyre. The black veils over my windows might be a problem for the other plants, though…” 

“I could also do something a bit more modern: I could donate Marvin’s body to the old hag Clarissa, who lives in my building, and let her use his remains in spells. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly legal. I’ve checked her certification as a licensed magic-user myself! Finally - and this is _quite_ daring, if I do say so myself - I could,” Cecil leaned closer to the mic and whispered, “ _eat_ him, dear listeners.” He giggled nervously, “Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Cecil, how could you break from tradition so obscenely? Eating a plant you adopted? It's basically cannibalism!’ It would be in the interests of learning about other cultures, of course. I’ve, ahem, seen a few cookbooks online that include mint as an ingredient. And I think it would be _fascinating_ to try them out. Even if that means eating the crunchy remains of a beloved plant.”

Al, who had been fielding calls with unexpected grace, started to look a bit frantic after Cecil breathed these sacrilegious words. The phone somehow seemed to ring more emphatically, and definitely more often. 

“Oh my, listeners. You definitely have opinions! While we’re waiting for you to call and vote on Marvin’s disposal, I give you...the Weather.” 

Cecil punched the WEATHER button, and sat back with a satisfied sigh. 


End file.
